Parenting Biblically in a Gentle Parenting-Obessed World

by Lisa Derringer

Raising children is a significant responsibility, one that God does not take lightly. The Psalmist says, “Children are a gift from the Lord, they are a reward from him.”¹ Regardless of how children are welcomed into a family, they are a gift, and part of parental responsibility is to steward our gifts well. God gives the Israelites instructions on how they should pass on the Word and instruction of the Lord by stating,

You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.”²

God commands parents to teach their children about Him, ensuring that they are always in a state of remembrance of the Lord. Along with instilling the Word of the Lord into the hearts and minds of their children, parents are responsible for the discipline of their children. Discipline as a verb is defined in three ways. The first being, “to punish or penalize for the sake of enforcing obedience and perfecting moral character.”³ The second being, “to train or develop by instruction and exercise, especially in self-control.”⁴ Finally, to bring (a group) under control or to impose order upon.⁵ In each of these definitions, there is the underlying idea that discipline must correct, train, and create order. As parents, these three themes are essential in raising children. Discipline is by no means pleasant.⁶ However, without discipline, children cannot understand the role of God as a Father or the growth that comes from the training and discipling that occurs through faithful, biblically approved discipline.⁷

The Role of Discipline in Parenting Biblically  

First and foremost, the job of parents is to point their children to know and love God. As God, our Father, disciplined His people in their disobedience, parents should also enact discipline when the children God has entrusted to them disobey. Tilley Dillehay, writing for the Gospel Coalition, offers insight into why many parents today dismiss discipline, stating, “If someone asked me, a millennial parent, what my cohort struggles the most with, I’d respond with the word ‘authority.’ I think there’s been a misunderstanding. A false dichotomy has been set up among the young parents I know: grace-based parenting versus law-based parenting.”⁸ This idea of grace-based parenting versus law-based parenting is well-intentioned because grace is an essential part of both disciplining children and helping them to understand the Gospel. Solely focusing on grace creates the idea that “God shows you grace by not punishing you. So you can show your kids grace by not punishing them.”⁹ Dillehay goes on to explain,

Our kids aren’t related to us the way an unsaved person is related to God. An unsaved person is God’s enemy. Our children are part of our family already. We’re not teaching them how to earn their salvation and get into the family—we’re teaching them what it’s like once you’re part of a family. We’re teaching the muscle memories of authority, obedience, relationship, and blessing—things they’ll still need when they’re adopted children of God.¹⁰

Parents are instructed to train up a child in the way they should go; even when they are old, they will not depart from it.¹¹ The idea of training children goes hand in hand with discipline. Charles Bridges, in his commentary on Proverbs, writes about the training of children that,

The rule for training implies obliquity; else he would not need it. A young and healthy tree shoots straight upwards, and instead of putting forth crooked and deformed branches, gives promise of a fine and fruitful maturity.¹²

Bridges uses the analogy of a gardener grafting the first sapling, writing, “the crooked shoots of self-will and disobedience are not cut off, their rapid growth and rapidly growing strength will greatly increase the future difficulty of bending them.”¹³ There is value in beginning to train a child with discipline from a young age.

Biblical Parenting Compared to Gentle Parenting   

Dr. Becky Kennedy (Dr. Becky), the creator of Good Inside, has focused her work on the idea that there is inherent goodness in every human being. Dr. Becky states, when you call your child “a spoiled brat,” you are still good inside. When your child denies knocking down his sister’s block tower (even though you watched it happen), he is still good inside. And when I say “good inside,” I mean that we all, at our core, are compassionate, loving, and generous.¹⁴ The idea that everyone is inherently good may sound appealing, but it has serious flaws from an orthodox Christian perspective.

         In January 2024, Bernard N. Howard wrote an article for The Gospel Coalition that sparked controversy in the gentle parenting community, including Christians who practice gentle parenting.¹⁵ The article, “Is ‘Gentle Parenting’ Biblical?”, addresses some of the ways that gentle parenting neglects biblical ideas. Howard first addresses the possible values of gentle parenting, but suggests digging deeper into the underlying concepts of gentle parenting.

This idea of digging more deeply into the underlying concepts is where gentle parenting and the Christian faith do not fully align. 

The first of these ideas relates to Dr. Becky’s main idea that we are all good inside. The Christian faith hinges on the Gospel, which says that human beings have sinned and need a Savior, with this Savior being Jesus. Jesus makes this clear when speaking to the Pharisees, saying, “From the heart come the things of evil. It is inborn in every human.”¹⁶ Paul, in his letter to the Romans, says, “for I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep doing.”¹⁷ This is not to say that the idea of being a horrible, sinful human should be drilled into little minds, but it is also important for children to understand that humans are not naturally bent towards goodness.

         The second issue Howard raises related to gentle parenting involves the idea that, by using rewards or punishment, parents are merely modifying the behavior of their children rather than addressing the deeper root issue of what a child is feeling when they misbehave.¹⁸ Christian parents are called to shepherd the hearts of the children God has entrusted to them, but that does not mean withholding rewards and punishments. God is in the business of both handing down punishment and rewards. The best reward is eternal life with Him in Heaven for believers. When it comes to punishment, Howard articulates how it should be enacted, saying,

As we’ll see from the biblical evidence, serious wrongdoing by children should be punished, and God has given that responsibility to parents. I’m certainly not advocating for abuse. Excessive, sadistic punishment is a grotesque perversion of godly discipline. But misuse shouldn’t prevent right use.¹⁹

The importance of administering biblical discipline is that it must be done in a manner that causes the child to feel some level of pain.²⁰ This pain does not have to be physical. It can be as simple as taking away dessert after dinner for not eating food, or no television because their homework was not completed. The point of discipline is to help shepherd the hearts of children to know and love God. One cannot know and love God without understanding that, because of the fall, we are innately sinful. Gentle Christian Parenting is an oxymoron because catering only to feelings will not change our innate sinful nature.

Inerrant Goodness and Sin Nature         

The central idea in gentle parenting is that children are inherently good. Any type of disobedience is often the result of unmet needs or exploring boundaries; therefore, a child should not be punished for this. Sinful behavior is the result of child development, not the fact that every human is born with an innate sin nature. Now, this does not mean children are unable to truly understand the depth of sin. It is a parent’s job to help children understand our innate sin nature in a way that matches the salvation offered through Christ’s death and resurrection on the cross. In gentle Christian parenting, the focus becomes less on the sinful actions of the child, but rather on separating our sin nature from acts of sin. 

If any form of disobedience is the result of our sin nature, does that mean that a 1-year-old who throws a toy should be strictly disciplined as a result of this sin? No, but there is a level of appropriate consequence for the child. This is a form of behavior modification, which in gentle parenting circles is viewed as the wrong way to raise a child. Behavior modification alone is not enough to truly change a child, but what many gentle Christian parents neglect to remember is that God is a God of grace, mercy, and forgiveness, but He is also a God who requires payment for our sin. This does not mean that God is only wrathful; however, throughout Scripture, God requires payment for sins, and upon that payment, restoration can occur. Discipline, or a punishment for misbehavior, goes hand in hand with restoration. To fully understand the grace, restoration, and forgiveness of God, one must also understand how God views sin without repentance.

References

1. Psalm 127:3
2. Deuteronomy 6:5-8.
3. Merriam Webster, “Definition of Discipline,” Merriam-webster.com, 2019, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/discipline.
4. Webster.
5. Webster.
6. Hebrews 12:7-11.
7. Note that this is always referring to parents who are lovingly discipling their children in a safe and stable home.
8. Tilly Dillehay, “How the Rod Can Point Children to God,” The Gospel Coalition, October 2, 2020, https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/rod-point-children-god/.
9. Dillehay.
10. Dillehay. 
11. Proverbs 22:6.
12. Charles Bridges, An Exposition of the Book of Proverbs, Monergism.com, ebook (1850; repr., West Linn, OR: Monergism Books, 2012), https://www.monergism.com/exposition-book-proverbs-ebook, 410.
13. Charles Bridges, Ibid., 411.
14. Becky Kennedy, Good Inside (New York, NY: HarperCollins, 2022), 3.
15. ^[For responses to this article see: Leah MarieAnn Klett, “The Gospel Coalition Article Slamming ‘Gentle Parenting’ Sparks Debate among Christian Parenting Experts,” The Christian Post, February 1, 2024, https://www.christianpost.com/news/debate-over-gentle-parenting-arises-following-tgc-article.html, Hillary Ramos, “Reconsidering Gentle Parenting,” Substack.com (Hillary Ramos – Joyful + Rising Substack, January 28, 2024), https://hillaryramos.substack.com/p/reconsidering-gentle-parenting, and Chap Bettis, “Is Gentle Parenting Biblical? An Open Letter from a Dad to Dads – the Disciple-Making Parent,” The Disciple-Making Parent, 2024, https://www.thedisciplemakingparent.com/is-gentle-parenting-biblical-an-open-letter-from-a-dad-to-dads/.
16. Mark 7:21-23.
17. Romans 7:19.
18. Bernard N. Howard, “Is ‘Gentle Parenting’ Biblical?,” The Gospel Coalition, January 24, 2024, https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/gentle-parenting-biblical/.
19. Howard.
20. Hebrews 12:4-11.