By Sari Sheppird, PhD
This memory is as clear as day.
At six years old, I was at my mom’s ballet class, eagerly waiting for her to finish and take me home, when I decided to pass the time by trying on some of the shoes that dance students had left in the changing room. I eyed a pair of stilettos lying underneath the dressing room bench. After pulling them out and stepping into what seemed like a giant pair of grown-up shoes, I began parading around with that “I’m all dressed up” feel. Then came the fateful step that twisted my ankle and sent me crashing onto the bench, embarrassed and overwhelmed.
Sometimes, apologetics can be just like that to me. Twin emotions of boldness and overwhelm set in simultaneously. I have a sense of stepping into shoes I can’t fill. After all, I can’t say that I like confrontation, and I honestly don’t even understand C.S. Lewis’s analogy of geometric dimensions, made popular in his book Mere Christianity.1
But I found a way to step out without falling, and I invite you to do the same.
Slow to Speak, Quick to Listen
“Don’t be surprised if you are doing it all wrong,” quipped my professor to my counseling skills class. Our “pre-test” that semester was to engage in a mock therapy conversation. My fellow students and I gave our best counseling attempts by asking enquiring questions, giving advice, encouraging, trying to reassure. Not one of us received a passing grade.
Why did we fail?
The answer comes from the book of Proverbs, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame” (Prov. 18:13). We had been so concerned about giving correct advice that we neglected to actively listen.
Likewise, in apologetics, it’s easy to get so caught up with having accurate answers that we bypass perhaps the most important aspect of such encounters—listening.
Let’s look at an example, a mock apologetics conversation in this case, to see what a difference active listening can make. We’ll use part of a real conversation between my friend, Tina, and Jason, a non-believer from a Jewish background.
“What keeps you from coming to Jesus?” Tina asked the middle-aged man.
“I’m not entirely sure,” came the reply, and with a downturned face, Jason added, “My family is Jewish. I have always thought of so-called Christians being hostile to my people. You know, the Crusades, the Holocaust. There’s a lot of history there to overcome.”
Jason followed by asking Tina to explain these events, clearly troubled by them.
“Well, those don’t really matter in the end. Everyone has their excuses,” Tina remarked. “What matters is whether you believe the truth claims of Jesus and the Messianic prophecies he fulfilled. Jason, if you died tonight, would you go to heaven?”
Crossing his arms and leaning away, Jason whispered. “I don’t think you understand.”
Were Tina’s words accurate? Factually, maybe we could argue they were. But Tina missed so much in this encounter. With just a few words, or even no words at all, she could have made a much greater impact.
From this brief example, let’s talk about some ways to actively listen that could have made this conversation more effective.
Listen with Understanding
Much is made in apologetics about the idea of being winsome in our speech, but this begins before we even utter a word. We can communicate awareness, empathy, and a desire to connect simply through a nonverbal “posture of involvement.”2
For example, as Tina listened to Jason’s reply, making appropriate eye contact, nodding her head, and adding a simple “mm-hmm” or “I see,” she could have effectively communicated an invitation to continue the conversation while demonstrating understanding, caring, and interest.
Listening for Need
Take another look at the conversation between Tina and Jason. Would you say there was sincerity in Jason’s concerns or that perhaps his excuses had some merit? Instead of dismissing the questions that Jason had, Tina could’ve chosen to focus on listening to the person she was trying to reach behind those questions.
If we’re going to meet people where they are, we need to treat each person with whom we engage as a soul for whom Christ died. A “Golden Rule of Apologetics” reminds us to be willing to see things from another’s perspective, thereby communicating respect, fairness, and empathy, treating others the way you and I would want to be treated.3
Listening for Assumptions
Part of our role in apologetics is to uncover both obvious as well as hidden barriers to faith, whether emotional or intellectual.4 In Jason’s case, there were both. Yet instead of an engaged approach with Jason’s perceived barriers, Tina avoided them altogether. The problem of pain, the historical and cultural objections, and the ambiguity of Jason’s own worldview were missed opportunities for conversation.
Remember, active listening is more than just hearing; it involves listening to the meaning in someone’s words.
By simply paraphrasing Jason’s reply, Tina could have signaled that she was willing to see things from Jason’s point of view, acknowledging his assumptions while signaling understanding.5
Scroll up to the conversation again. How could we paraphrase Jason’s argument, using something of his own words? Perhaps something like, “Your idea of Christianity is connected to atrocities of the past.” That’s one of many paraphrases we could offer that would accurately reflect what Jason said. If Tina was on the right track in her listening, Jason would’ve likely responded with a “yes” or perhaps, “Don’t you think so as well?” If Tina was not on track, Jason could’ve just let her know with a simple “not exactly” reply.6
Listening for Feelings
If you’ve ever had a conversation with a teenager, you’ve probably heard more than one resounding, “You’re not listening to me!” That’s a common response when you want to be understood not so much for the facts themselves but for the feelings behind them—feelings like “I’m feeling awkward” or “I’m feeling left out” or “I’m feeling lonely.”
In apologetic conversations, our well-intentioned focus on evidence and facts may cause us to inadvertently miss important feelings. That was true in Jason’s case for sure. Tina missed an opportunity to meet Jason where he was simply by briefly mirroring back to him some emotions that he communicated.7 She could’ve done this either by listening for precise feeling words or by inferring feelings from Jason’s verbal and non-verbal communication.
For example, there’s a lot we can infer simply from Jason’s downturned face, crossed arms, and the change of his tone to a whisper. She could have kept her reply very broad, mirroring what she inferred to be Jason’s feelings, perhaps with a statement such as, “It sounds like Christianity has some painful associations for you.”
Instead of focusing on a propositional argument too quickly, and in this case insensitively, an empathic approach such as this could have opened a door to further conversation. Again, Tina would know quickly if she was on the right track, even if Jason simply nodded back or murmured another “mm-hmm.”
Otherwise, Jason could easily respond, “not exactly,” giving Tina another chance to stay actively and sensitively engaged.
Listening for Opportunity
Listening is a really important part of life. It’s also a really important part of apologetics.
When someone says, “I had a horrible day,” we know it’s not an invitation to present an argument as to why complaining is an ungodly habit; instead, it’s an invitation to ask, “Hey, what’s going on?” or “Do you want to tell me about it?” We become more aware of opportunities to engage in everyday conversation as we actively listen.
The same is true with apologetics.
By attending, observing, and actively listening, we gain valuable information in order to meet people where they are. Here’s a notable example: making his usual effort to meet people where they were,8 in the midst of his second missionary journey, the apostle Paul took advantage of the opportunity to listen to discussions at the Areopagus, collecting his observations about the cultural milieu and then speaking to those in attendance at Mars Hills in such a way as to step into their context, poignantly and accurately reflecting for the crowd what he observed.9
Likewise, as we listen carefully, we’ll recognize opportunities and invitations to engage others where they are, even if sometimes it’s not where we’d prefer to begin.
By thoughtfully paying attention to people’s assumptions, emotions, body language, cultural milieu, as well as their spoken words, we can hear people better. And it feels good to be heard, doesn’t it?
So let’s treat others the way we want to be treated, being quick to listen.10
Notes
- C.S. Lewis, “The Three-Personal God,” bk. 4, chap. 2 in Mere Christianity (HarperOne, 2001).
- Robert Bolton, People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts (Simon and Schuster, 1979), 34.
- Kenneth Samples, “Neighboring Faiths: A Review of Winfried Corduan’s Timeless Book,” Reasons to Believe Blog, February 16 2021, https://reasons.org/explore/blogs/reflections/neighboring-faiths-a-review-of-winfried-corduans-timeless-book.
- David Geisler and Norman Geisler, Conversational Evangelism: Connecting with People to Share Jesus (Harvest House Publishers, 2009), 109.
- Robert Bolton, People Skills, 51.
- Robert Bolton, People Skills, 52.
- Robert Bolton, People Skills, 52.
- See 1 Corinthians 9:19–23 for this idea.
- See Acts 17:21–23.
- Two resources that further explore listening skills are Lynne M. Baab, The Power of Listening: Building Skills for Mission and Ministry (Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, 2014) and John Savage, Listening and Caring Skills in Ministry: A Guide for Groups and Leaders (Abingdon Press, 1996).